Forgiveness Redux
A Substitute for New Year's Resolutions
Seeing other Substackers post about their best and worst posts of the year prompted me to revisit my 2024 posts. At mid-year, I saw evidence of the change in my process and output. In the first half of the year, I posted 25 times, and in the second half of the year, I posted 4 times.
My most viewed post was #25, which I wrote just before taking a long break from posting. I have included a lightly revised version of that post here because it’s good advice for everyone at this time of year. Most New Year's Resolutions require a new level of discipline in our lives.
Discipline is Over-Rated; Try Self-Forgiveness Instead
Before I retired from seeing patients, I worked part-time in a Substance Use Disorder (SUD) Clinic. In my training for that role, I learned about the neurobiology of addiction. I learned that in the natural course of substance use disorder, relapse is an expected phase.
Once I began seeing patients, I saw that stigma and judgment followed relapse to drug use. If someone with diabetes or asthma or high blood pressure has a relapse after being well controlled, there is less blame placed on the patient.
The judgment comes from the substance users themselves as much as it does from society at large. My mentors taught me to counsel forgiveness and persistence in relapse. They told me never to give up on my patients. I told the patients never to give up on themselves. Patients can achieve sustained success even after years of relapses. Eventually, there is enough maturity and insight to succeed.
The Virtue of Self-Forgiveness
Writers, too, struggle with self-forgiveness. Recently, a fellow writer posted in a safe, supportive group of writers and writing coaches. He confessed that he hadn’t written a word in 25 days.
He’d had an inordinately busy month, yet he was castigating himself for not taking 15 or 20 minutes each day to write. The outpouring of support and understanding from other writers was amazing. One person offered a link to Elizabeth Gilbert’s blog which included this quote:
As for discipline – it’s important, but sort of over-rated. The more important virtue for a writer, I believe, is self-forgiveness. Because your writing will always disappoint you. Your laziness will always disappoint you. You will make vows: “I’m going to write for an hour every day,” and then you won’t do it. You will think: “I suck, I’m such a failure. I’m washed-up.” …The other thing to realize is that all writers think they suck. When I was writing “Eat, Pray, Love”, I had just as a strong a mantra of THIS SUCKS ringing through my head as anyone does when they write anything. But I had a clarion moment of truth during the process of that book. One day, when I was agonizing over how utterly bad my writing felt, I realized: “That’s actually not my problem.” The point I realized was this – I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write.
In the natural course of the writing life, relapse to procrastination and self-doubt is an expected part of the process. I should be at least as forgiving and persistent with myself as I was with my patients.
Question: Is there an area in your life where you struggle with self-forgiveness? Let me know in a comment below. If it’s too personal to share, write about it in your journal. Then leave a comment to let me know how the journaling went.
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Thanks for reading,
Deborah
Hear, hear, all for self-forgiveness! Some of us got the cutting-ourselves-slack gene bounced out of us along the way (as I imagine medical school might do)... and we so need to reinstall that. Lovely piece, Deborah... thank you!
Thank you for this. I think I have been driven to succeed and produce and complete projects for so long, that I've forgotten that it's okay to just play at writing. Just enjoy it for what it is, let it be, and not try to turn it into something else. I think I've been judging myself for allowing this to happen. How weird it is in this world that we have to WORK on letting ourselves PLAY. Anyway, it's all good isn't it to write crappy and silly and non-money-making stuff? Isn't it just fun? And isn't it probably really healthy? Good for you to not live up to your own expectations! Post as much as you feel like posting, and write whatever the hell you want to write, whenever you want to write it. Reward yourself for rebelling against the tyranny of your own self. I'll try to do the same.